Good Divorce Week - the first conversation about divorce

The first conversation about divorce can be both difficult and tricky, but it is the first step towards an amicable divorce and a clean break. 

Before raising the topic of divorce you need to think  Sometimes, an individual has been contemplating the state of their relationship for some time before considering bringing up the dreaded ‘D’ word. 

Below are some useful points:-

Should I get a divorce? - The first and indeed the most important question you should ask yourself is whether you are absolutely sure that you wish to divorce your husband or wife.  Give yourself time and space to think about whether you are feeling this way simply out of anger, frustration, feeling neglected or undervalued in the marriage. 

Is there any possibility of reconciliation? - Ask yourself whether the current issues are a bump in the road and whether with the assistance of a relationship/marriage counsellor you are able to work through current problems and/or feelings.  It may be that at this stage you may find it beneficial to seek counselling on your own before broaching the subject with your spouse.

Be prepared – You may find it helpful to write something down before having a conversation with your wife or husband.  This way you can plan the conversation in a constructive way, and it will help you stay focused on what needs to be discussed. 

Pick the right place and time – A difficult conversation can be made worse by simply starting the conversation at the wrong place and at the wrong time.  If anything, ensure that the children are not present or alternatively, consider whether the conversation is best had outside of the family home.  Avoid using the ‘D’ word as your spouse is rushing off to drop the children off at school or coming in from work. 

Mind your language – It is important that any conversation about divorce uses the right language. Avoid assigning blame and focus on how things have made you feel. 

Prepare yourself for a bad reaction – Whilst you have had time and space to think about starting the conversation about divorce, your husband or wife may be completely unaware of your feelings and indeed your thoughts. They may be under the impression that you are both happily married or that things are simply ticking along just fine.  Your spouse is likely to feel a number of emotions including anger, frustration, and shock, particularly if they do not want the marriage to come to an end. 

Think of the children – You should jointly agree on when and how the news of the marriage breakdown is going to be shared with the children. Between you, you should agree on what information should be shared with the children in a child-focused way, whilst using child-appropriate language. Avoid sharing any feelings and thoughts about blame as the focus and overall message to the children is that they are loved by both parents and it is not as a result of anything that the children have done. The second blog in this week's series covers this topic in more depth.

Think about finances – Consideration should be given to how the family finances shall be met in the short and long term and indeed, whether there is going to be any immediate change, for example, someone may be leaving the family home for a trial separation. 

Give your spouse time and space – Bear in mind that your decision to bring the marriage to an end may come out of the blue for your wife or husband and they will need time and space to process what you have told them. 

Consider taking early legal advice – You may find this helpful, particularly where issues of child arrangements and financial matters may need to be resolved and/or you are unsure as to what these arrangements shall look like post the end of the marriage.  You may also find it helpful to be aware of your legal rights and what options are available to you when bringing the marriage to an end. 

Consider alternatives – It may be a big leap between married life and divorce, therefore, you both may wish to consider alternatives such as marriage counselling or trial separation.

Listen – In the same way that you will wish your husband or wife to have listened to you, you should give them the same opportunity of being heard.  You are likely to find this helpful, particularly when deciding what steps to take if any and when in the process.

Plan next steps – Your spouse and you may find it helpful to discuss and plan the next steps together, for example, which of you shall be commencing the divorce application and what other steps each of you need to take to make the process of decoupling as smooth as possible.  

However you choose to start the discussion with your spouse concerning divorce, always remember that honesty is the best policy.  Be direct, clear and most importantly be as civil as you possibly can with one another.

At Birkett Long, we aim for an amicable divorce. Typical UK divorce has changed with the addition of no-fault divorce. Should you wish to discuss issues concerning divorce, children or finances, please do not hesitate to contact me via my profile.

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