My mum has told me on more than one occasion that it is “so much better to be a grandparent than a parent!” Thanks, mum…I think? 

I am not sure that I come out of that statement particularly well, but I have incredibly fond memories of spending time with my grandparents when I was growing up, particularly over the summers. Today, I love to see the bond between my son and his grandparents even though the rules have definitely changed since I was a youngster; my son seems to get away with a huge amount more than I ever did!

I consider myself really lucky to have learnt from my grandparents and enjoyed so much time with them. I am from what I believe these days we are calling a ‘blended family.’ This means that my parents divorced when I was about 12 and they both remarried. I have bonus brothers and sisters (as opposed to ‘step’) and at one point I had eight grandparents!

At times, family life can be complicated for us all. I cannot imagine how I would have felt as a pre-teen if either of my parents wanted to stop me and my brother from seeing the other set of grandparents, as each one brought their own perspective, knowledge, and most importantly, love and fun into our lives.

What happens if I am prevented from seeing my grandchild?

You may be shocked to hear that under the law of England and Wales, grandparents do not have any automatic rights to be in their grandchildren’s lives! But this does not mean that if your child or their partner stops you from seeing your grandchild you have no options.

It can be so hard when relationships break down, particularly if you feel your child has been wronged, but I will say, try to think about the bigger picture. How confused, upset, and frustrated is your grandchild at the prospect of mummy and daddy no longer living together. The possibility of moving to a new house and/or school can be a terrifying prospect for any youngster. Try your best to remain neutral, as you need to be there for your grandchild. And tell the child’s parents that that is your stance. Whatever has led to the breakdown of their relationship is between them. Everyone must prioritise the needs of the child/children.

How can I resolve family disputes?

Talking is always the best first step. I appreciate that it is something often easier said than done, particularly if you have been prevented from seeing your beloved grandchild. Perhaps you could write a letter to the parents explaining how you wish to see your grandchild and help them grow and develop?

If you need further help, you could attend mediation. Mediation is a process where a professional helps to facilitate discussions between you all and keeps the conversations child-focused. Even if you do not feel able to be in the same room, mediation can still work. This is called ‘shuttle’ mediation. The mediator ‘shuttles’ between rooms to convey your thoughts and proposals. When considered appropriate, a child can also be part of a mediation process in order that his or her feelings can be taken into account.

There are a number of support organisations, such as Family Lives, which has a free helpline - 0808 800 2222 - where you can talk things through. Other organisations, such as Gransnet, offer peer-to-peer support.

Should I go to court to gain access to my grandchildren?

Court is always the option of last resort but it is there for the cases that truly need it. The court will always prioritise the welfare of a child. Although there are a few exceptions, on the whole grandparents do not usually hold parental responsibility for their grandchildren. This means that grandparents need to take two steps in the court process: first, they have to apply for permission to make an application (which in my experience is normally granted) and second, they need to submit that application to the court, with the request to spend time with their grandchild.

Help for grandparents from Birkett Long

All this will inevitably be stressful and the process itself can seem daunting. If you are having difficulties keeping in touch with your grandchildren after a relationship breakdown, please get in touch and we will be happy to give you advice. We offer a free, no-obligation chat for 15 minutes when we can initially assess your situation. Please contact me on 01245 453843 or email me at francesca.cozens@birkettlong.co.uk.